The parenting circle, my thoughts as of now.

 

So I keep having this same topic present itself and it has me thinking. How often does the circle of parenting really come around? How similar is it really and how early does it even begin?? 

I was recently talking to someone and then I was watching a movie, then I even started talking to “family” and with each instance, I came to the same topic. The circle of parenting and how it can easily go round and round if not broken by a strong mind. 

The circle that I am referring to is the fact that a child is easily influenced by those around them. Most of the time, that is their parents. Now whether it is step, biological, or adopted it doesn’t matter. It’s their “family” or parental figures that imprint the most and at the earliest stages.

Now it wasn’t until I got older that I realized just how early these imprints take place. I mean if you think about it, our parents are usually the ones to teach us to walk and talk and so on, but they teach a lot more that many don’t realize. 

For instance, if the parent is a liar, a narcissist, a jealous being, or such, their actions tend to rub off onto the child because that is what the child knows. That is what they witness and because children often tend to see their parent as their hero, they don’t see the wrong in their parent’s actions. For many it becomes the only thing they know. They grew up with it so they just always believe it’s correct. After all their family is their everything and in a lot of homes children are taught that their parents are these great perfect beings who know all and know better and therefor are always right.

This isn’t the case. Parents are humans also. They have pasts, and they have trauma, and they even have failures and mistakes that take place more than any of us would like to admit. They aren’t these perfect, godlike creatures blessed with children. Rather they are just the same as everyone else. 

Now we all know(or should if you read any of my family history work) that I had a rough upbringing. I didn’t have great people around and for a long time, I also didn’t think much of it. As a child, I don’t remember thinking the same things of my “parents” as I do now. However, once I grew up and I was exposed to the outer world, I learned that there are better people and better ways of life than the ways that I was brought up into. Now I say older but to be honest, I’d say older was my teen years. That is when I really started to see the wrong and right that was being illustrated in front of me. 

Unfortunately, not everyone saw that. I know there are people still who love my “family” and even the other “family” and often make excuses and defend them for their actions, and unfortunately these same people are examples of continuing the circle. What people don’t realize is if you’re not strong enough to admit that the ones you love are making mistakes also and are negative influences in your life or anyone else’s, than you are more than likely similar to them. You continue the negative parenting circle. Whether it is teaching your child to lie and manipulate people, or maybe you just teach them to be jealous and controlling. Continuing the circle  is to fail at teaching them to properly care for a child and maybe they end up loosing their own in the process. ( This also seems to be something that can be a result of a child growing up in the system) The circle can be so vicious. It keeps the negative of the world constant as the circle just continues on and on with each generation.

However, I know there are so many people out there who learn from their parents mistakes and faults. I know there are people who refuse to continue the circle and refuse to be similar to their parents. These are the souls of this world who press to make it a better world. Maybe not just for their own reasoning, but also for their child, children’s ,family’s, etc. They are the strong minded individuals that will take their own mistakes and point them out and say, this is what I did wrong and this is how you can learn from it. I’m not perfect in any sense, and I have not birthed children yet but I do have two very beautiful bonus children to be and I hope I can be a good parent to them. I hope that i can help provide a circle that they don’t have to break in the future because it will be a positive circle. I mean this is what all parents should strive for, but it seems often times people are so blinded by their own negatives, that they don’t even see them. They remain ignorant and unfortunately forget to correct their ways. 

Now this doesn’t always pertain to negativity. Some homes are beautiful and well rounded and there are parents who teach amazing things to create the beauty in this world and the future to come. I however have seen the negative peak in the conversations and movies I watched here lately. So I just felt like writing about it….

What is your take on this? Does this make sense? I may have to come back and rewrite part of it or maybe add to it, but we shall see. Just let me know your thoughts. Let’s talk.

Coming Out of the Dark

 I’ve been struggling with posting. Struggling to let the truth out or talk about my actual feelings of late. I’ve been worried of the controversy it may cause or the feelings that may be hurt but that’s not fair. It’s not fair to me nor is it fair to others who may read and relate to my posts. My posts are never bashes against others, but simply the stories I call life. I’m sorry I’ve disassociated and disappeared for so long. It was never my goal and I hope to change that. 

Every year, I’ve renewed my site. I’ve paid to keep it and maintain it. I think it’s because my inner conscience knew I would one day come back to it and connect with myself again. You see I’ve been hurting for quite some time and instead of facing it or dealing with the pain then moving on, I’ve just numbed it out. I’ve distracted myself with meaningless things and often disassociated from life, locking my feelings into a box and throwing the key into the darkness with hopes to never need it.

I’m trying to change that though so please be patient. I’ve been attending therapy and I’ve been breaking into that box, dealing with each issue as I can and it’s opened my eyes to a lot. A lot of things I’ve been through, may not be solo things, but rather something someone else may have also gone through. Maybe not exact, but enough that they don’t feel alone when reading my posts. 

I can’t hide anymore. I can’t block out my pain. I can’t bury my story. It’s time for me to use it to my advantage and change the narrative even further. I’ve never been a victim but i have easily become a shadow, hiding behind the past. I want to work on that. I want to just be me and be open more. Even if it is just one person, touching another’s life in a positive way has always been my goal. I leave smiles on faces and footprints on hearts, or so I say…  Could it be true? Let’s find out. 

Write your story

 Write your story. Write my story? Where does one even begin? As a baby? Maybe my teenage years since they were the hardest? Or should I write about my young adult life and how i navigated through it? There is just too much to write and not enough time, nor space for all of it. Not without an entire book and lets's be honest I am not even good at managing my blog, let alone sit and write out an entire biography. So here is what I can give you, in the raw.

   I watched a movie today. Called Trapped: The Alex Cooper Story that i stumbled across on Hulu. It is about how she comes out as a gay person at 15 and is sent to a conversion therapy home by both her Mormon parents and grandparents. At this home she is subjected to lashings with the belt, punches, and made to stand all day at a wall holding nothing but a backpack filled with rocks. Not small rocks, but big enough and heavy enough rocks to leave red marks and bruises on both of Alex's shoulders. 

   I couldn't help but feel triggered. Not by her coming out as gay and sent to a conversion therapy camp,( I never officially came out to my parents because by the time I accepted who I was, I had already stopped talking to them) but by how she was treated. It reminded me of the place labeled as my childhood home. I can tell you so many stories about my family that would give you nightmares, but I wont go into that detail. Not yet. 

   See my family was a good ole' southern baptist family who believes stricltly in the old testement. To them the new testement was already tainted by man in many ways, except when referring back to the old. What is funny though is that their biggest belief was found in the new testment. It was that man was supposed to strive to be perfect. Wait. Let me rephrase just as i remember my mother stating or as close i can remember"Man is supposed to be perfect just as Jesus was and we are supposed to spend our entire life trying to be so." In her eyes, if we weren't doing so, we were going to hell. 

   Well I can proudly say I had two of the most hypocritical parents I have ever met in my life. They preached The Word(the Bible) so hard that I bet they even spewed it in their sleep. Just like in the movie, I can recall and tremor with anxiety as flashes of belts, wooden paddles specially made by my father, wooden spoons, and young, green, and thin switches from the nearby trees pass through my mind in rememberence of the beatings my siblings used to get. My siblings were beaten so hard, yet never saved and sometimes I wonder if that is my fault. Alex Cooper was lucky as she was given the chance to find someone at school who would rescue her from the home she was in but also provide the lawyer needed to keep her from ever going back. 

   Everytime I watched in horror as my siblings were hit, I wondered if I should call child services. Why didnt I? I could have possibly gotten them into another home, maybe a better home with a family who may have protected them. However the thought that I would fail and that i could land them in a worse home, maybe a sexually abusive home was more frightening than anything. They would have been split up from me and everyone else as no one would ever take in 7 kids all in one home. So I bit my tongue.

   Now I know what some of you may wonder. Why do I keep mentioning my siblings' lashings and not mine. You see I was already 14 at this time when my parents went "Amish" and extremely abusive and I threatened to call CPS if they touched me. A few times, my mother would slip and grab my arm and yank me, or she would strike me across the mouth, but nothing that would leave a mark. My mother knew she had control. She had control of my father who just went along with it all because whatever reason. She had conrtol over me because she knew that CPS would seperate us and I didnt want that. More than anything I believed that if we stuck together as siblings, we could overcome it all. 

I need a moment.... This is going to be a lot harder than i thought it was. The passion of getting my story out, my siblings story out is alot harder than I ever imagined... I know that i have PTSD from some of the things growing up, but always considered it minor. It only causes random bursts of anxiety or nightmares. So i thought I could do this.... For now, let's put this on pause and I will circle around.