I’ve been struggling with posting. Struggling to let the truth out or talk about my actual feelings of late. I’ve been worried of the controversy it may cause or the feelings that may be hurt but that’s not fair. It’s not fair to me nor is it fair to others who may read and relate to my posts. My posts are never bashes against others, but simply the stories I call life. I’m sorry I’ve disassociated and disappeared for so long. It was never my goal and I hope to change that.
Every year, I’ve renewed my site. I’ve paid to keep it and maintain it. I think it’s because my inner conscience knew I would one day come back to it and connect with myself again. You see I’ve been hurting for quite some time and instead of facing it or dealing with the pain then moving on, I’ve just numbed it out. I’ve distracted myself with meaningless things and often disassociated from life, locking my feelings into a box and throwing the key into the darkness with hopes to never need it.
I’m trying to change that though so please be patient. I’ve been attending therapy and I’ve been breaking into that box, dealing with each issue as I can and it’s opened my eyes to a lot. A lot of things I’ve been through, may not be solo things, but rather something someone else may have also gone through. Maybe not exact, but enough that they don’t feel alone when reading my posts.
I can’t hide anymore. I can’t block out my pain. I can’t bury my story. It’s time for me to use it to my advantage and change the narrative even further. I’ve never been a victim but i have easily become a shadow, hiding behind the past. I want to work on that. I want to just be me and be open more. Even if it is just one person, touching another’s life in a positive way has always been my goal. I leave smiles on faces and footprints on hearts, or so I say… Could it be true? Let’s find out.
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