The parenting circle, my thoughts as of now.

 

So I keep having this same topic present itself and it has me thinking. How often does the circle of parenting really come around? How similar is it really and how early does it even begin?? 

I was recently talking to someone and then I was watching a movie, then I even started talking to “family” and with each instance, I came to the same topic. The circle of parenting and how it can easily go round and round if not broken by a strong mind. 

The circle that I am referring to is the fact that a child is easily influenced by those around them. Most of the time, that is their parents. Now whether it is step, biological, or adopted it doesn’t matter. It’s their “family” or parental figures that imprint the most and at the earliest stages.

Now it wasn’t until I got older that I realized just how early these imprints take place. I mean if you think about it, our parents are usually the ones to teach us to walk and talk and so on, but they teach a lot more that many don’t realize. 

For instance, if the parent is a liar, a narcissist, a jealous being, or such, their actions tend to rub off onto the child because that is what the child knows. That is what they witness and because children often tend to see their parent as their hero, they don’t see the wrong in their parent’s actions. For many it becomes the only thing they know. They grew up with it so they just always believe it’s correct. After all their family is their everything and in a lot of homes children are taught that their parents are these great perfect beings who know all and know better and therefor are always right.

This isn’t the case. Parents are humans also. They have pasts, and they have trauma, and they even have failures and mistakes that take place more than any of us would like to admit. They aren’t these perfect, godlike creatures blessed with children. Rather they are just the same as everyone else. 

Now we all know(or should if you read any of my family history work) that I had a rough upbringing. I didn’t have great people around and for a long time, I also didn’t think much of it. As a child, I don’t remember thinking the same things of my “parents” as I do now. However, once I grew up and I was exposed to the outer world, I learned that there are better people and better ways of life than the ways that I was brought up into. Now I say older but to be honest, I’d say older was my teen years. That is when I really started to see the wrong and right that was being illustrated in front of me. 

Unfortunately, not everyone saw that. I know there are people still who love my “family” and even the other “family” and often make excuses and defend them for their actions, and unfortunately these same people are examples of continuing the circle. What people don’t realize is if you’re not strong enough to admit that the ones you love are making mistakes also and are negative influences in your life or anyone else’s, than you are more than likely similar to them. You continue the negative parenting circle. Whether it is teaching your child to lie and manipulate people, or maybe you just teach them to be jealous and controlling. Continuing the circle  is to fail at teaching them to properly care for a child and maybe they end up loosing their own in the process. ( This also seems to be something that can be a result of a child growing up in the system) The circle can be so vicious. It keeps the negative of the world constant as the circle just continues on and on with each generation.

However, I know there are so many people out there who learn from their parents mistakes and faults. I know there are people who refuse to continue the circle and refuse to be similar to their parents. These are the souls of this world who press to make it a better world. Maybe not just for their own reasoning, but also for their child, children’s ,family’s, etc. They are the strong minded individuals that will take their own mistakes and point them out and say, this is what I did wrong and this is how you can learn from it. I’m not perfect in any sense, and I have not birthed children yet but I do have two very beautiful bonus children to be and I hope I can be a good parent to them. I hope that i can help provide a circle that they don’t have to break in the future because it will be a positive circle. I mean this is what all parents should strive for, but it seems often times people are so blinded by their own negatives, that they don’t even see them. They remain ignorant and unfortunately forget to correct their ways. 

Now this doesn’t always pertain to negativity. Some homes are beautiful and well rounded and there are parents who teach amazing things to create the beauty in this world and the future to come. I however have seen the negative peak in the conversations and movies I watched here lately. So I just felt like writing about it….

What is your take on this? Does this make sense? I may have to come back and rewrite part of it or maybe add to it, but we shall see. Just let me know your thoughts. Let’s talk.

Coming Out of the Dark

 I’ve been struggling with posting. Struggling to let the truth out or talk about my actual feelings of late. I’ve been worried of the controversy it may cause or the feelings that may be hurt but that’s not fair. It’s not fair to me nor is it fair to others who may read and relate to my posts. My posts are never bashes against others, but simply the stories I call life. I’m sorry I’ve disassociated and disappeared for so long. It was never my goal and I hope to change that. 

Every year, I’ve renewed my site. I’ve paid to keep it and maintain it. I think it’s because my inner conscience knew I would one day come back to it and connect with myself again. You see I’ve been hurting for quite some time and instead of facing it or dealing with the pain then moving on, I’ve just numbed it out. I’ve distracted myself with meaningless things and often disassociated from life, locking my feelings into a box and throwing the key into the darkness with hopes to never need it.

I’m trying to change that though so please be patient. I’ve been attending therapy and I’ve been breaking into that box, dealing with each issue as I can and it’s opened my eyes to a lot. A lot of things I’ve been through, may not be solo things, but rather something someone else may have also gone through. Maybe not exact, but enough that they don’t feel alone when reading my posts. 

I can’t hide anymore. I can’t block out my pain. I can’t bury my story. It’s time for me to use it to my advantage and change the narrative even further. I’ve never been a victim but i have easily become a shadow, hiding behind the past. I want to work on that. I want to just be me and be open more. Even if it is just one person, touching another’s life in a positive way has always been my goal. I leave smiles on faces and footprints on hearts, or so I say…  Could it be true? Let’s find out. 

Write your story

 Write your story. Write my story? Where does one even begin? As a baby? Maybe my teenage years since they were the hardest? Or should I write about my young adult life and how i navigated through it? There is just too much to write and not enough time, nor space for all of it. Not without an entire book and lets's be honest I am not even good at managing my blog, let alone sit and write out an entire biography. So here is what I can give you, in the raw.

   I watched a movie today. Called Trapped: The Alex Cooper Story that i stumbled across on Hulu. It is about how she comes out as a gay person at 15 and is sent to a conversion therapy home by both her Mormon parents and grandparents. At this home she is subjected to lashings with the belt, punches, and made to stand all day at a wall holding nothing but a backpack filled with rocks. Not small rocks, but big enough and heavy enough rocks to leave red marks and bruises on both of Alex's shoulders. 

   I couldn't help but feel triggered. Not by her coming out as gay and sent to a conversion therapy camp,( I never officially came out to my parents because by the time I accepted who I was, I had already stopped talking to them) but by how she was treated. It reminded me of the place labeled as my childhood home. I can tell you so many stories about my family that would give you nightmares, but I wont go into that detail. Not yet. 

   See my family was a good ole' southern baptist family who believes stricltly in the old testement. To them the new testement was already tainted by man in many ways, except when referring back to the old. What is funny though is that their biggest belief was found in the new testment. It was that man was supposed to strive to be perfect. Wait. Let me rephrase just as i remember my mother stating or as close i can remember"Man is supposed to be perfect just as Jesus was and we are supposed to spend our entire life trying to be so." In her eyes, if we weren't doing so, we were going to hell. 

   Well I can proudly say I had two of the most hypocritical parents I have ever met in my life. They preached The Word(the Bible) so hard that I bet they even spewed it in their sleep. Just like in the movie, I can recall and tremor with anxiety as flashes of belts, wooden paddles specially made by my father, wooden spoons, and young, green, and thin switches from the nearby trees pass through my mind in rememberence of the beatings my siblings used to get. My siblings were beaten so hard, yet never saved and sometimes I wonder if that is my fault. Alex Cooper was lucky as she was given the chance to find someone at school who would rescue her from the home she was in but also provide the lawyer needed to keep her from ever going back. 

   Everytime I watched in horror as my siblings were hit, I wondered if I should call child services. Why didnt I? I could have possibly gotten them into another home, maybe a better home with a family who may have protected them. However the thought that I would fail and that i could land them in a worse home, maybe a sexually abusive home was more frightening than anything. They would have been split up from me and everyone else as no one would ever take in 7 kids all in one home. So I bit my tongue.

   Now I know what some of you may wonder. Why do I keep mentioning my siblings' lashings and not mine. You see I was already 14 at this time when my parents went "Amish" and extremely abusive and I threatened to call CPS if they touched me. A few times, my mother would slip and grab my arm and yank me, or she would strike me across the mouth, but nothing that would leave a mark. My mother knew she had control. She had control of my father who just went along with it all because whatever reason. She had conrtol over me because she knew that CPS would seperate us and I didnt want that. More than anything I believed that if we stuck together as siblings, we could overcome it all. 

I need a moment.... This is going to be a lot harder than i thought it was. The passion of getting my story out, my siblings story out is alot harder than I ever imagined... I know that i have PTSD from some of the things growing up, but always considered it minor. It only causes random bursts of anxiety or nightmares. So i thought I could do this.... For now, let's put this on pause and I will circle around.

Be you and love all.

   We are who we are. Right? We are not born a certain way, or are we? We grow into the person we are destined to be. True? There is only black and white in life. Grey does not exist or does it? Your parents are always right, but what if they are not? If you do not follow the bible, you are going to hell, but God loves all correct? Being gay is wrong and if you are, well enjoy the disaster you are about to take on.

   Hold on. That last one. Being gay is wrong. I thought we were supposed to love everyone. I thought God loved all sinners. I mean remember in that Bible, the so-called only way of life, where Jesus loved murderers and prostitutes, and even the one who betrayed him dis-included those who love who they love? You mean if I am as I am than I am broken? Going to hell. Going to die of AIDS or by some hypocrite who decides I am not worthy to live. 

   This does not make any sense. I am told to be who I am and to grow into the person I am destined to be but if I do so then I am a devilish person. This sounds like the old testament. Did these “Christians” not read the new testament? I feel something big is being left out. How about that verse, the one where they talk about throwing the first rock? Or how about the one where God loves all, including sinners and that all sins are considered the same? I mean there is even a verse regarding not judging anyone because there is really only one judge. 

  So, someone explain. Why are gays, lesbians, non-binary, queers, and such judged for simply living their own life and loving everyone? There are so few of us that live as the others who do us wrong. Instead we are forced to turn the other cheek or live in the shadows. Because it is 2020 that must mean the old fashioned have perished and the world is open minded. Right? It means we can go out of Austin and we will not receive those hateful glances or catch someone rudely talking behind our backs not realizing they are much louder than they think. Why is it that those who are not supposed to judge are almost always the ones who judge others the most. The ones who disagree with how someone lives are the ones who preach the hardest.

   Let me ask you. Do you think if you force the gospel on us that we will just decide to stop being who we are? Do you really believe that the sign you hold at our celebrations is going to send us into hiding? Do you expect us to stop living and loving because you do not like it? Come on. Just let us be. We do not stand on your terrain and tell you to stop being straight. We do not yell at you that you are going to hell. I mean who do you think you are? Better than us?

   People do not realize the persecution the LGBTQN group still receives. How many children hide in fear because there will always be bullies in school or on the streets waiting to beat them straight. How many children are disowned by their families because they chose to love as we were all meant to love, with unconditional strength.  How many Queens have to be careful of walking outside after a show because someone could be outside waiting with iron to blow into their blood. How about those who choose to just be themselves and leave the labels behind. How dare they neglect whether they were born with a dick or vagina. How dare they change themselves to be who they are most comfortable as. There is only black and white so if you are not doing what the world expects than forget it. Peace will never exist for you.

   I am a female who is pansexual. What does that mean? It means I love whoever my heart leads me to love. It means I live my life to the fullest with arms open and my head held high. I have not been able to always live this way though. I grew up in one of the most judgmental, hypocritical, religious families. I mean if we even lied, we were destined to go to hell. If I was not in a dress on Sunday at the chapel doors, then I was definitely going to hell. I grew up thinking tv was a demon box and pants were only meant for natural born men. I was such a sinner just simply being a regular teenager. So, I was forced into isolation and ended up running as far as I could once I hit the big one eight. It was not until I was twenty-one that I was able to tell a few that I was into both men and women and not fear for my life. It was not until a few years later that I felt comfortable enough to post it on social media. I am twenty-eight now and I have never told my parents nor siblings that I am pansexual. I cannot because I am fully aware, they will be unaccepting. They turned my half sister away because she loves women. Told her that they loved the sinner but not the sin and she was unwelcomed to bring her partner around. That she could not talk about who she was or how she felt. So, I am still hidden. Or am I? Honestly, I make these posts and they may or may not see them. I do not know because I know it is something I will never speak about. If it is brought up, I will tell them as I tell anyone who disapproves of my choices. It is my choice and my life, not yours. So, leave me alone or else I will remove your negativity in my life, and it will ultimately be your loss.

   Goodness. Do you know how long it has taken me to be at this point in my life? I will tell you. Twenty- six years. Ever since the day I was entered into the foster care system until about two years ago. When I was pushed to a breaking point. When I was going to end my life because it became so overwhelming to be told day after day how much of a screw up, I was. Surviving that day showed me it was time to move on and let go. To no longer care what others thought or said about me. I was who I was. I am who I am. I am happy with who I am, and I know what kind of person I am so if anyone has a judgement against that, I cut them out as quickly as I let them in. No more negativity allowed openly. 

   There are so many people I try to leave footprints on and to show them this is such a better, happier, less stressful life. I finally get to be happy for myself about myself. It is freeing. It takes time and discipline and sometimes constant reminders that I am great, but it is doable. Everyone should feel it. Everyone should still fight for themselves and ignore all judgmental thoughts, even against yourself. This is my advice for those who hate against us. Just breathe in, now out, now let it go! Not your life so keep your nose to yourself. Love is not the problem. It is the hate in this world. It is the fear that people hold so close because they are not open to learning something new or something they are not used to being around. It is okay. You can have that decision to hold. Please just let everyone be as they are though.

   So, we are who we are. Correct. You be you and we will be us. We are born a certain way. Correct. Some are born with open minds and open arms where some are born stuck and scared. We grow into the person we are destined to be. Correct. Live freely and love just the same. There is only black and white. Wrong. Life is life. Some things may be great to others and horrible to the opposites. It's life, full of opinions. Your parents are always right. Wrong. No one is always right. No one is perfect. If you do not follow the Bible, then you are going to hell. Guess we will find out. Being gay or anything of the like is wrong and you will soon find a disaster to take on. Do not judge. Just live your life. I will live mine.

Good in every break.

   Often times when one thing ends we loose sight of the path that we took to get to that end. Often times when something ends, we focus on the bad that happened rather than the good and we forget that for every bad thing comes a good thing. Everything happens for a reason. Now I know that everyone shakes it off as something they don't truly believe because it is easier to just dwell in your pain and sit amongst the broken pieces rather than pick those pieces up and put them back together to build a stronger you. I've sat amongst a lot of broken pieces, sometimes I've been so broken that those pieces were not pieces but rather grains of salt amongst the sand with thrashing waves beating against them. Today is not one of those days. Today is a day that I want to take a moment to say thank you to those people that I held relationships with , that ended in a terrible way yet I learned some amazing lessons from. Today is a day that I am so grateful for each hurt, because with each hurt I grew a little stronger and I learned to be the amazing woman I am and for this I will always be grateful for.

Dear biological family,
   I want to say thank you for helping me to become who I am today. I think deep down you are the one who has taught me the most. Sometimes I know it is not always apparent and sometimes I still struggle with the pain I hold, but reality is that I have become one of the strongest many have known simply because I have survived what many don't understand. You have taught me that sometimes even blood is not thick enough. Sometimes we are just meant to go down separate paths in lives with different people and that never means that we are not good enough or worthy enough to live, but rather that it is okay to live in another storyline with different characters. When I felt no one truly loved me or cared for me, I learned that no one could ever love me more than I could love myself and that this is the first step into becoming the amazing soul that I am meant to be.

Dear abuser,
  I want to say thank you for teaching me that no man or woman is ever going to lay another finger on my beautiful body again. I learned that no one would ever be excused from such an act because I know that I will always deserve better then the marks you left on my skin. I learned that it is okay to stand up for yourself and I learned that it is okay to walk away, even if you feel you have no where else to go. You taught me that no matter how much you feel you love someone, or that you can fix a person's life, sometimes they just aren't willing to fix it themselves. That no matter how much you forgive them,  they can never forgive themselves enough to let go of the anguish they hold dear to them inside. I learned that I don't have to suffer so that you can cause the same pain to those around you. I am much stronger than that.

Dear ex husband,
   I want to say thank you for all the good that you taught me. I know at first I didn't see it. I just saw the hurt and the excuses and the brokenness inside me, but now my eyes have cleared and my heart has healed and I have so much to be grateful for. You taught me that it is okay to fall on your face in life  and when I say fall, I mean splatter hard all over the pavement below. You taught me that it is not only okay to fall but it is also okay to pick yourself up off that hard ground and dust off yourself and wipe the tears and begin crawling, and that crawling will lead to standing and that standing will one day lead to walking again. You taught me that sometimes life doesn't always go as planned, but that's okay as well because sometimes God has bigger plans for us then the life we imagined. You taught me how to be quick and learn how to react to when the world shifts beneath your feet and everything crumbles around me, I can one day stand because there is nothing in this world that can keep me down.

Dear drug addict who stole my heart,
   There were two of you. Seemed I attracted them. One on a powder and the other a pill. Either way you taught me the same and because of you both I know to never touch the things you survive off of.
I made promises to never touch the drugs you slave yourselves to because you taught me that I can be stronger than that. When all your hurt is built up and the easiest way to escape is to sniff or swallow, I  know I can feel and I can let go and then I can stand with my head held high rather then allowing it to sink to its lowest levels. I learned that sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes it is death defying and sometimes it is enough to cause the weak to run from it rather than to just feel, because if you lock it into your head that no one can love you, they really cant and so those words must be a lie. Loving you taught me that this was never true, because no matter how much we feel we are never good enough, someone else sees the opposite and will choose to see the bad within the good even when you cant see it yourself. We are all in charge of the paths we choose in life and suffer the consequences for the actions we take. You taught me it is better to spend a life with pain than it is to spend a life never knowing what love really is.

Dear most recent ex girlfriend,
   Thank you for all of the amazing moments and parts of my recent life that you introduced me too. You showed me so much in this world I would have never been exposed to. Helped me to open my eyes to more than I ever dreamt I would see. Not only in the good areas of life but also the bad. Thank you for being there in my darkest moments as this last year has been the hardest of my life. You were there to hold me up when I just wanted to fall and never get up ever again. When I felt like it was time to end a life, you taught me that there is a much bigger reason to hold onto it rather than letting that life fade away. You taught me that no one should ever be good enough nor hold the power to lessen my worth in my own eyes. I learned that this world is full of so much darkness, but if we build ourselves up to what we are meant to be, we can conquer all and provide the greatest light to the world. Thank you for reminding me that many, many people will gain ones trust, but to also be mindful that there will also be many people who will destroy that bond, disappoint you, and let you down. However, you have taught me that this should never ever stop you from opening up again, as every scar is just a reminder that you only grow stronger.

Dear me,
   I feel like I should write this to remind myself that all the bad I have caused myself has left many things to be grateful for as well. As I fight each day with the depression and anxiety that I hold, I know that it is a fight I will keep fighting til I can rid myself of it. I have to thank myself because with each bad day, I ensure to focus on the great days ahead. I know that I must learn to love myself in all of its good and bad times, good and bad qualities, and know that I am never responsible for anyone other than myself. I am learning that with every bad moment is a few good moments to match it. So I have to keep my head held high and take each step, each breath as they are presented to me. I have to continue to grow and continue to work towards being the best version of myself.

   You see, not every heart shattering relationship means it is the end of the world It really just means it is the end of that chapter and there are many more to be written. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes we may not understand that reason right away, but I know one day it will come to light and you will take a look back and you will see all the saddening things were only meant to prepare you for all of the happiness to come. Just don't forget the rear view mirror is always smaller than your windshield for a reason...

      Work Out

Work out your body so that you may become strong.

Work out your mind so that you may become wise.

Work out you heart so that you may overcome all wrong.

Work out your feelings so that you may separate the truth from the lies.

Work out your life so that you may build nothing but success.

Work out your goals so that you can begin to fly free.

Work out your problems so that you can clear away the mess.

Work out everything around you so that you can finally just be.

Never stop working out, never stop til you are all that you can become.

   You close your eyes as you're afraid of the fall of that tear.
  You close your eyes as you try so hard to block out the fear.
You don't wanna let anyone know how you truly feel.
   You don't wanna accept what has become truly real.
  You turn and hide away that beautiful face, cover your eyes, and block out what the world plays.
You close your eyes to run from the face of reality.
   You don't wanna face it, because if you face reality then that means excepting that it may be. 
  You don't wanna see everything crashing at your feet.
So You close your eyes as you're afraid of the fall of that first tear.
   You close your eyes as you try so hard to block out the fear that it may be your last.
  You don't wanna let anyone see you bare, broken, lost without your mask.

        "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change."

 -Wayne W. Dryer

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see what I see?

Maybe you don't look far enough deep,

take a step back and breathe.

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see an escape?

One permanent, the other for a moment's sake.

Do you see the hurt, yet the strength gained?

Do you see the scars hidden, the pain?

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see the power and muscle?

Or do you see the numbness masked away?

Take a step back and breath.

Look closer and to what could be,

the strongest battle ever won.

 The beauty of a thousand words in a picture.

You can't move on to your future until you let go of your past. Otherwise you will never fully live in the present but only for what was or what could be.

- Ashley Fincher

Does Love Still Exist?

 

   What is love? Definition says its a deep compassion or romantic attachment for someone. I keep hearing the words I love you, yet feel nothing towards it. So many mixed stories about this word yet I'm unsure which to believe anymore. I've heard the stories of old couples who die hand in hand a few hours apart because they can't seem to face life without the other. I've heard stories of people giving and risking their all for another because they love so deeply where that person becomes everything to them. Then I've heard stories of people uttering these words but with nothing to back it up. They are just words used to manipulate the human mind enough to grant whatever selfish things they are looking for. I've heard the words used to cage others up as they feel if they love someone, then they must stay together right? Because love is the greatest thing? They say that love is the greatest thing God granted to us because he made the biggest sacrifice for us out of love and that it is our goal to carry it out with ourselves and with our neighbors, but do we? I believe we have changed the definition of love in this day and age to something a lot less. It has started to be used more and more for "I care for you" and "you mean something to me", yet it never stands for long. It has become a temporary feeling for many. Its what we all strive to hear and feel so we force it into our lives. Because something feels right for a few weeks, or months suddenly its labeled as love. It makes me wonder if unconditional love is still around. That love that lasts for years upon years like the old couple who died hand in hand. That love that forgives everything because we love the people and hate the sin. That love that overthrows every obstacle in life because you can't imagine things any differently and you will do all to keep it til you take your last breath. The love that's formed with years in hand. Does true love really exsist anymore in this day and age or is it just a story? Is it just words used to describe our care or want of something from someone? I really wanna know, so let me know your opinion on it.....